To blog or not to blog…that is the query

I’m all at sixes and sevens here. In my head, mainly. My body is just downright nasty and painful but that’s normal for me. My brain is doing dances and spins and somersaults and it’s making me unnerved.

I really should start making a list of things for which I am grateful, like some others who do blogs. I wonder if that helps? I have very much to be grateful for and I don’t want anyone to think I’m not appreciative of what life has dealt me. I guess I just like to complain and moan. I don’t know why Paul continues to live with me, either. I try hard not to be a nag but I do it anyway, a lot less than I used to do. I depend on him for so many things these days.

It’s 12:50 pm on a Monday afternoon here and he has just returned from the supermarket with our weekly food shopping. How many woman have a husband who does that every single week with never a complaint out of his mouth? Occasionally, when I put something on the (printed) list I give him, he’ll come home and say that such-and-such an item is NOT in aisle #4 like I had on the list but in aisle #6 way down the end… so make a note of that. Sometimes I do and most times I forget to.

Shopping for food every week of the year is an art form that is developed over time. When I was younger (way younger) I only did food shopping when I needed something. Little bits and bobs of items that were not that good for me but I was young so it didn’t matter. I even remember when I was living away from home for the first time, at the age of 19, in Boston in a small apartment 4 flights up, and I learned that you could call down to the corner liquor store and order a bottle of something! What? I know this was true because I did it a few times! How could I have done that? I was only 19… but I did and they delivered it to me, up 4 flights of stairs (no elevator)to my door. That was the beginning of my dance with alcohol, in 1967.

I put a stop to that dance on my birthday in 1981. All the years in between were spent in fogs. Having fun, getting married, drinking, smoking/eating pot (yes moi!) although I didn’t really enjoy it. I just did it to go along with the crowd – once I left my husband, and his crowd, I spent a few more years sowing my oats before settling down in 1985, to a much more normal life with Paul. Four years into sobriety was a good thing then as Paul never used alcohol or anything drug-related. For Pete’s sake, he never even had a hot cup of coffee or tea or chocolate himself when we started “dating” – and he’d never even gone “out to lunch” before (he was 38!).

I am rambling, and I don’t know why. I am trying to fill up the hole that has been punched in my life with the loss of my friend Emily.

I think that’s all I have for today. This is an entry about nothing much, and maybe that’s the kind I shall write from now on. I worked hard on that last Shout-Out Sunday entry and only one person thought it important enough to comment – thanks Sandy! So maybe that idea has seen better days… (Forget that last part…)

I am grateful for:

– having a husband who is golden and way too good for me

– having two dogs who are my reason for getting up each day besides item #1

– having a home of our own, all paid for, heated in the winter and cooled in the summer

– being able to reach out to you all any time I want and hopefully get some kind of a response (??)

– having this picture that Emily painted and gave to me two Christmases ago:

painted by Emily

The end (not really the end… just of this entry.)


It’s in every one of us to be wise;

Find your heart, open up both your eyes.

We can all know every thing without ever knowing why.

It’s in every one of us, by and bye.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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14 Responses to To blog or not to blog…that is the query

  1. TopsyTurvy says:

    Okay, I’m weirded out by your talking about only getting one answer to your Sunday post. Have you looked at your listings for the month? Comments per post, going back in time: 7, 12, 3, 17, 9, 3, 6, 8, 8, 12, 11.

    With the loss of Crochetlady, Sue, Rhubarb and Em, most of the time I’m lucky if even one person comments on my blog. Sometimes I just comment to myself. 😦

    Sorry you feel down but as you said you do have it really good, and you have lots of friends who talk to you.


  2. Keep writing, if only for yourself. We all get frustrated as bloggers. I think of my own as a journal, just for me to sort out my thoughts, an outlet for expression, and often doubt whether I should hit the publish button. Yea, quite sad to hear of the death of people we’ve come to know through the web…


  3. Karen says:

    Dear Bex,
    Please keep blogging and reaching out. Even when we don’t comment, we know you are there, a part of our world. An important part. You mean more than you know.


  4. Karen says:

    Dear Bex,
    Please keep blogging and reaching out. Even when we don’t comment, we know you are there, a part of our world. An important part. You mean more than you know.


  5. Sandy From Iowa says:

    Every time you do a journal of your life I learn something new…Thanks for reaching down in your soul and pouring feeling of your life…now and past.
    Keep doing the blogs…like others I always read but don’t always you know I don’t do writing down very well.
    Em passing was very very hard for you …blessings that you went forward with blog


  6. Bex says:

    Well, damn! Thank you One and All! I regretted writing that about only one comment after I’d published this entry… I normally don’t go fishing for comments, but it’s always a good feeling when there are some! So accept my apologies for that… I just had a hard time on Sunday – I wasn’t going to do any blog, but then Sandy said yes, maybe something else might help my mood, and I’d already saved that Shout-Out site to put in. I am glad to hear some of you have enjoyed it, too. Donna’s story gives one hope, no?

    As do all of your journals that I read! They are all so different and friendly and informative and just fun. Except when one or more of you is hurting, that’s not fun, but we’re here for each other and sending hugs out does help… I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary.

    Thanks friends! xxx to you!


  7. Nina Camic says:

    Hi Bex,

    Several things — if I measured the “success” (whatever that means) of my posts by comment numbers I’d have given up long ago. I not only read your Sunday shout out, but I spent quite a while reading the blog you sent us to. As you said, it took time to go through her life. I didn’t even finish, but I thought about it, quite a bit, afterwards.

    Loose ends, huh? Well then, this is the place for you. Putting words to it is a good way of getting some order up there in your head. And you’ll always have a supportive and caring readership. We’re here. And reading.



  8. I did read your post and was waiting to finish the links before commenting. I haven’t read all the links yet, but went ahead and left a comment anyway.

    Like everyone, I put a lot of thought into my posts. I reveal a lot of who I am. Dreams realized. Dreams unrealized. I have a fucking pulmonary disease that is fucking slowly killing me… fucking suffocating me. Every day I have to be sure I’ve stowed lots of hope and positivity into my heart and mind. Being a whiny crybaby will not make my terminal illness any easier.

    Lots of my posts are bereft of comments. I journal for myself. Comments are a bonus.


  9. l'empress says:

    Re shopping: Remember that markets move product displays to try to make you buy something on sale (and to mess with your head). I find myself missing something every time I go.

    I think Em would be very pleased to know that the picture you chose was with her motorcycle. 😎


  10. Annanotbob3 says:

    I ALWAYS read your posts but sometimes I have no words. In future I shall post xxx which means ‘I hear you, I love you, I can’t speak right now’ OK? I’d only known Emily briefly but I felt we were heading into a lifelong friendship – well, I guess we were, but it was shorter than I’d hoped. I was already missing her while she was in Nevada. I’ve done a written gratitude list for a few years now – as you know from reading me, it’s not a direct line to perfect mental health, but I find it helps when I’m liable to drown in self-pity and would recommend it to anyone. I walk past a bunch of homeless people, many of them addicts of one kind or another, every time I leave my flat, so I KNOW it could be worse. Big love and hugs, dear Bex xxxx


  11. Bex, I do not find it surprising that you are reeling a bit after Emily’s unexpected departure. I had only been reading her blog for less than a year, and the sadness of her parting permeated my existence.

    Even though I do not always comment Bex, I am reading each and every entry you post. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say, but right now I will say that your posts are a welcome arrival in mail box, every time.

    This entry told me a lot about you that I did not know, things that I find interesting, things that give my perception of you more depth and deeper meaning. I found your “nothing much” entry very good reading.

    I have been writing my online blog since 1999, and for the most part had no readers, as far as I knew. Slowly I realized that I wasn’t writing for other people, I was writing for myself, and I was worth it.

    I am wishing you a slow and gentle recovery, from the shocking loss of your friend Emily, who would wish that for you. And if you choose to write more “nothing much” entries, be assured I am reading them comments or no.


  12. Bonnie says:

    When I am running behind, like yesterday I don’t comment. Besides I get the feeling I’m an ‘unknown’ here. 🙂

    It is hard losing blog friends. I still feel unsettled over the loss of Jim and sometimes I go back to 4 years ago when I lost my good friend Dee Churchill and I learned about that when I checked her comments one day for some reason. She died in January and the very next month our son died.

    Like the previous comment growing old is a continued adjustment.:-)


  13. Bex says:

    I, too, wish you would blog more, Eric. Yes, I read Jim Lawrence’s blog and miss him, as well. And Rhubarb, and Sue, and now Emily, and others along the way…

    I will continue, I just have these days when I feel so down and woe-is-me type of thing… Thanks for commenting today!


  14. Eric Mayer says:

    Mary has never had anything to do with alcohol which is a good thing since there was too much alcohol consumption during my first marriage. (I discovered alcohol when I went away to school in New York City. Never touched it before) As far as your past goes, at least you don’t have to regret not having had any adventures while you were still young enough to do so!

    As for blogging, I hope you continue. I keep telling myself to start blogging again but four of my very best blogging friends have passed away in less than a year. (I’m not sure you followed Jim Lawrence) Not only that but I still am involved publishing/reading zines, as I have been since the 70s although now I stick to pdf ones rather than print. And friends there have passed away recently too, including my best correspondent, a guy I knew for almost forty years.

    I’m having a hard time adjusting to becoming old, frankly. I know you have a very, very hard row to hoe. Much worse than I have. What can we do except try to enjoy those things we can still enjoy?


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