My Methods of Self-Preservation – are they working?

Hello again,

I’m poking my head up out of the dark, deep, self-pitying hole of grief I’ve been living in for the past month, since Kip died.

I need to get some sunshine. I need spring to be here. It is here, but I need to feel it’s here.

Almost 30 years ago, in May of 1986, Paul took the picture above (or here, if I’ve gone and changed the header picture by the time you are reading this!). I’m not 100% sure what little English town this was taken in, but it was on our second day in England, taken after we’d been married for four days, on our honeymoon. It was the most exciting and wonderful time of my entire life. A honeymoon that dreams are made of – three weeks in England and Scotland with a car and no pre-set itinerary, just a map and the road ahead.

I waited a long time for that experience, too. I was 38 when we married and decided to make our dreams come true and go to England and Scotland. It was the first of eight trips we eventually made to that special land. I miss that place so much!

Bex & Paul England 1989 sitting atop Sutton Bank Yorkshire

I didn’t mean to go down this memory lane today. But I am trying (unsuccessfully) to drag myself up out of the doldrums and memories are able to do that for me a lot of the time.

I suppose I could get up and get busy with a couple of projects I have here but I’m waiting for the mood to hit me… I have to make new curtains for the breakfast room. I have all the new fabric that I ordered online …

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Images of my new fabric for the curtains. It’s upholstery fabric. I hope it works for curtains! I have new rods, also, with rings for the tops of the curtains. All I need to do is measure out each curtain panel and iron the edges all around and sew them. That involves a lot of moving around and lugging of sewing machine and iron and ironing board… all of which will give me lots of aches and pains, but I need to just do it.

(posted later, my curtains are made and up!)

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The sun is out today but the wind is wild and wooly. It’s howling all around us. My little chairs on the decks are blowing around… scaring me from time to time with the noise that makes.

Kip.

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I tried to write this blog without mentioning him. But I can’t.

Kip, I miss you so much!!!

I’ve had dreams about him, one just last night. He came in the early morning, the day after he passed away, into Paul’s bedroom and Paul sat up and looked over at the doorway and saw a big collie dog standing there! He let out a noise and I went in and he was all in a sweat and told me what he’d just seen.

I actually felt a little better, knowing it was our Kip coming to tell us he is OK where he is now… I know that’s how spirits work. I wish he’d come to ME, though! I’m interacting with him in my dreams, but not in my conscious life.

Oh enough. I didn’t mean to dwell….

I fear this wind will knock out the internet, so I may as well wrap this up.

When I get the curtains all made and up, I’ll take pictures and share. Paul has been keeping himself busy with some painting touch-ups on the white trim paint around the house that was looking quite worn down. He is waiting for Hansen Marine to finish rebuiding his engine and putting it back into his lobster boat… so he can get back to what he loves doing… lobstering out on the ocean. It’s been a long, hard, dark, albeit un-snowy winter for us, and we will be glad to jump into spring, just as soon as it warms up a bit more and the winds die down.

I’ll leave you with a photo from long ago, maybe 1969/70 at our apartment (first marriage) in Hyattsville, Maryland. Honey, the dog, with Bruno, the cat, and down at the end Waco, the (deaf) cat… our beloved pets at that time. (I miss all of you guys!)

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And one last picture of Bill, my ex, with Honey… she was such a smooosh!

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Honey adopted us by following Bill around campus (U of MD) one day and then following him home.

Cheers,

Bex & Co.

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5 Responses to My Methods of Self-Preservation – are they working?

  1. Sandy Freel says:

    Grief takes time.
    Love your fabric

    Like

  2. Good for you and Paul to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward through your grief. The picture of Kip gives me the impression that he is there, watching over you two, approving and cheering you on, as you make your way forward.

    The curtain fabric is lovely! Sewing, unless you have a dedicated setup for it, is a very intrusive activity. It takes me forever to get going on a sewing project, my fabric for the dining room curtains has been waiting in a tote for me to get my bottom in gear, for more than a year.

    I love the pictures and memories of you honeymoon and visits to England, thank you for sharing such a beautiful time in your life!

    Like

  3. Bonnie says:

    Bex grief doesn’t have time limits. I only saw our son once in a dream after he died. He was smiling. Don’t think I ever dreamed about lost pets but I do know about missing them.

    Like

  4. WendyNC says:

    Bex, when you lose your heart dog, it just really hurts for a long time. I don’t have any answers for you–just sympathy.

    Like

  5. TopsyTurvy says:

    Absolutely LOVE the fabric for your curtains! Can’t wait to see how they turn out.

    When the weather gets a bit better, I think you and Paul should start taking short walks along your road. I know it hurts at first, I’ve lived it, but I also know that the only thing that makes your sore legs and knees better than what they were is exercise. I’m living that too. Hope you’ll do it.

    That’s sweet, that Paul saw Kip. I hope that Paul is as positive as you are about the experience and sees it as a visit to say everything is okay.

    Hate to disagree with Walt Whitman but I know animals who aren’t satisfied. Our Squee is never satisfied that you’ve played with her enough. She wants more and she’ll squee and whine and bring you toys until you play more.

    Like

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